Well wouldn’t you know – we’re all Martians after all. A leading geochemist this week announced that the cells that sowed the seeds of life on Earth probably arrived from Mars on a meteorite. Professor Benner, of the Westheimer Institute for Science and Technology explained, “The evidence seems to be building that we are actually all Martians; that life started on Mars and came to Earth on a rock.” God forbid we should discover that we all arrived sporting turquoise tracksuits and lizard tongues…
Still on the subject of extra-terrestrial visitors, Dr Jesse Marcel Jr, famous for his claims of having handled alien debris from the 1947 Roswell crash was found dead this week indulging his greatest passion – reading a book about UFOs. Dr Marcel was 10 years old at the time of the incident, which the US military maintained was the result of a crashed weather balloon. A later inquiry concluded that the balloon was in fact a secret government surveillance tool aimed at the USSR, however Dr Marcel and many others have held strong to the belief that the debris, which included a small beam marked with purple-hued hieroglyphics, was not of this earth. Dr Marcel is notable for having dedicated his life to ufology and alien conspiracies. His last words are alleged to have been, “it’s a cookbook!”.
As one commentator pointed out this week, it is perhaps a shame that Dr Marcel dedicated his life to chasing aliens rather than chasing more traditional scientific breakthroughs. Had he done so it is possible that he, rather than Professor Juergen Knoblich of the Institute of Molecular Biotechnology in Vienna, would have been responsible for growing the first mini brain. It may measure just four millimetres in diameter but stem cell scientists are hailing the “brain-in-a-bottle” as a breakthrough that has the potential to change the face of neurological science. While further development is still needed in order to achieve a fully functioning variety, Wayne Rooney is said to have put in early bid.
It’s been a bumper week for science, with a top surgeon claiming that penis enlargement operations are rising 25% year on year amongst Italian men. Dr Alessandro Littara blamed “changing room syndrome” for the fact that demand for the procedure is on the rise, with Italian men more desperate than ever to keep up with their peers. The idea that Italians may not be as well endowed as their European counterparts could be a simple fallacy of course, but many are prepared to pay between £2,500 and £6,000 to go under the knife. It is heartening to know that it is not just inflation that is on the up in Italy.
And finally… from member extension to limb amputation, and the case of the armed robber who got his comeuppance this week. The unnamed suspect is accused of shooting a customer before robbing a store in Jefferson County, Alabama, having committed a string of similar robberies whilst wearing the disguise of a demonic mask. The man is believed to have then been hit by a car before being found at the foot of a cliff with a broken back and a leg so badly injured that it required amputation. He is said to be mounting a defence but it is clear that he hasn’t got a leg to stand on.