Dogs; foul-smelling and largely pointless creatures that are entirely reliant on their human masters for food and grooming.
Not your standard dictionary definition of a dog, but accurate all the same. Dogs are a menace; they maul people, they shit everywhere and that mess contains roundworms that cause toxocariasis. In a world heading toward a chronic protein shortage, why are we wasting so much of it on these parasitic animals?
Let’s deal with some undeniable facts. They smell, they drool and crap where they like; and to my knowledge no dog has ever taken it upon itself to wipe its own backside. Weird then, that so many dog owners are perfectly willing for their furry friends to jump all over their furniture. The same animal that only moments earlier was squeezing out last night’s sausage casserole next to the children’s adventure playground, now has its shit-matted furry behind nestled firmly in the soft furnishings.
Without wishing to turn this into a cats vs dogs discussion, let’s just briefly compare the two. Cat’s bury their poo for starters, and having done that proceed to clean their own bum, which is the least it can do really. They groom themselves continuously and there is no need therefore to bath them and clog up the plug-hole with their stinking hair.
Your average cat also manages not to dissolve your face when it breathes on you, can drink water without sloshing it halfway across the kitchen floor, doesn’t drool (drooling is spitting basically, and that’s just rude), can let itself in and out so that you don’t wake up to a puddle of pee by the back door every morning, and most important of all, isn’t completely reliant on humans for food. Fail to feed a cat, and you’ll annoy it, so much so that it’ll go out and catch a rat and eat that instead.
Cats don’t make great companions though. Die and your cat will be gnawing on your fleshy bits within a few days. Dogs on the other hand make great companions for the narcissistic and insecure because the love they give is unconditional. They’ll do pretty much anything you ask of them, kick them and they’ll lick you, and they won’t even judge you if they catch you masturbating. But honestly, are people really taken in by that sort of unwavering loyalty when it comes from a creature incapable of wiping its own arse?