Another week, another wacky pile of non-news headlines…
Cross your legs now if you’re a bloke, married or have a malfunctioning waste disposal unit. This was the week Catherine Kieu was sentenced to life imprisonment for cutting off her husband’s penis and shredding it in a rubbish unit over his plans to divorce her. She is alleged to have laced his tofu with sleeping pills before screaming, “You deserve it!” and attacking him with a 10-inch knife. Who knew tofu could be so dangerous?
The victim confirmed in court that his sausage was beyond saving.
Still on the subject of hot dogs, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut this week claimed an unprecedented victory in the annual Fourth of July Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest, devouring a record 69 dogs and buns. Second place went to Matt Stonie with a woeful 51. One has to wonder whether news of Mrs Lieu’s antics reached him in time to put him off his dinner.
From hot dogs to gaping holes. Sink holes in fact, with a 60-year-old female sucked into a gaping chasm which opened up right in front of her as she drove down a road in Toledo, northwest Ohio earlier this week. Despite plunging several metres in her car, Pamela Knox has since been rescued and is said to be recovering after her ordeal.
Perhaps she would have been better off with some help from the nine-person team that carried out a pigeon rescue in Spennymoor this week. Two fire rescue crews and a team from the RSPCA attended the scene while a further police patrol was required to control the traffic on the high street. The RSPCA confirmed that the pigeons were all uninjured and immediately released. Nothing like a costly bit of vermin rescue to bring a tear to the eye.
Indeed more vermin – or rather less of it. Sex and the City has won so many accolades in its time one assumed there were none left to win. Not so. The hit series was honoured again this week, not for its services to television but for eradicating pubic lice.
The pubic louse, or Pthirus pubis, is threatened with extinction as Brazilian waxing takes the world by storm. Cases are down 60% and researchers from the British Associations of Dermatologists have pinpointed the moment they began their dramatic slide to an airing of an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie Bradshaw visited LA for a wax. On presenting his findings, Dr Kun Sen Chen commented, “What we have seen at work is the law of unintended consequences. In popularising hair removal Carrie Bradshaw and co. have contributed to ridding humanity of a pest that had plagued humans for millions of years. Sadly there isn’t an Emmy for that”.
From the small screen to the big screen: Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopsticks was the talk of the town in Jilin, China, this week when the illicit film was beamed out on a huge advertising hoarding in the central square. A hapless IT worker had apparently forgotten to disconnect from the screen before settling down to watch some porn, causing mass upset and hysteria amongst the hordes below.
Relief came quickly though for the watching crowd, as the authorities were alerted and pulled the plug after just 10 minutes.
And finally a study of middle-aged couples concluded this week after 13 years, and presumably some significant expenditure, with the announcement that they have discovered the secret to avoiding arguments. Their findings? Keep quiet and change the subject.
Who’d have thought it?