Another week, another weird and wonderful collection of non-news stories from across the globe…
High on cleaning fluids
Working in a pub is bad for your health. And it’s not the liquor that’s to blame. In a desperate attempt to get his cleaning duties out of the way a pub worker inadvertently created a plume of toxic fumes which narrowly missed knocking him unconscious this week. Jason Smith created his deadly concoction by pouring descaler and bleach simultaneously into the urinals of the Leg of Mutton and Cauliflower pub in Surrey, resulting in the same chlorine solution that was used alongside mustard gas in combat during the First World War. Several fire crews, industrial fans and a health and safety executive attended the scene and Mr Smith was said to still be suffering chest pains some days after the incident. The urinals on the other hand are so clean you could eat your leg of mutton and cauliflower from them. A free pint for the first one to finish.
15-ton fatburg takes Britain by surprise
Perhaps Mr Smith should be set loose on the festering mountain of lard that was found lurking in London’s sewers this week. Weighing more than 15 tons and the size of a double-decker bus, the steaming pile of putrid waste was discovered in the nick of time, just as it threatened to rain hundreds of tons of raw sewage out over the streets of Kingston. A Thames Water spokesman commented, “We’ve removed greater volumes of fat from under the sewers in Central London but we’ve never come across a congealed single lump of lard this size. It was clinging to the roof and the floor, and was the whole breadth of the sewer.” If you’re wondering whether 15 tons might just be a teensy bit of an exaggeration, Gordon Hailwood, whose team worked for three weeks to break down the fatberg has no hesitation in dispelling your presumptions. “I’ve never seen anything like it”, he says, “we know exactly how much it weighted because we scraped out the fat [with shovels and a high pressure hose…] and took it away to be measured”. Nice. But if that’s not enough to put you off your food, read on.
Britain bulks up on barbecue binges
This year’s scorching summer has seen barbecue sales soar, but according to research this week the average barbecue piles on no less than 3,000 calories, putting paid to any myths that summer sizzlers are good for your health. The average barbecue helping is said to consist of two sausages, one-and-a-half burgers and two chicken drumsticks, accompanied by potato salad, green salad, pasta salad, mayo and a decent splosh of other fatty dressings. Add to this four bottles of lager, three glasses of wine or at least three glasses of fizzy drink it’s no wonder the calorie count flies out of the window. Shocking? Sure. Now pass us another tinny, we’ll drink to that.
An eyeful at the airport
A bevy of breastfeeding mothers this week descended on their local airport to protest about the treatment one of them received at the hands of American Airlines’ on a recent flight. The woman had been asked to cover up when she began breastfeeding her child on a busy commercial flight and was allegedly harassed by the flight attendants when she declined to do so. Not content with writing a letter of complaint to American, the woman rallied 30 of her closest friends to join her in a mass breastfeeding sit-in at the Baltimore-Washington airport ticketing counter. Unphased, the city’s male contingent have allegedly vowed to stage a mass scratch-in in retaliation.
Wanted – thief with cheesy blonde dye job
Ever wished you could catch the asshole who ran off with the parcel your postie (stupidly) left in your garden? When he caught the thief who made off with his package red-handed on CCTV this week, Tim Lake decided to take the law into his own hands. The theft amounted to just $22-worth of ice-cube trays and coffee pods, leading Mr Lake to make light of the situation and go public with his photographs of the perpetrator in action, accompanied by an email for anyone with any information and a description of the woman as “a jerk about yay high with vacant uncaring eyes”, with “cheesy blonde dye job” hair, and distinguishing marks of “a shameful and super awkward running style”. The moral? Next time you go out robbing, don’t forget your make up.