Submitted By: James Higgins (Twitter: @obmij1)
Unlike most people, I don’t spend a lot of time on my computer. Like most people, however, my life revolves around my phone. This is an issue because it has become extremely easy for me to spend money, while drunk, on items that I don’t really need. With a computer, you have to turn it on, type in your password, ensure it’s connected to the internet, log onto the site you want to buy something from, type in your card details, click buy and it arrives sometime in the next few days (unless the delivery drive works for Yodel in which case your neighbour will receive a surprise iPhone, as what happened with my mum’s new piece of kit). On my smartphone it’s a tap to open the app, there it already is ‘recommended’ for me, type in the password and bam! It’s at your doorstep.
I don’t even use my computer to stream anything. YouTube appears on my phone and BBC iPlayer is available along with 4od, and Demand 5 can be streamed on my PS3 (other consoles are available). I keep up to date with How I Met Your Mother on my PS3 too.
My computer really only gets turned on when really, really necessary. When I want to play on my Football Manager game. That’s it. So you can imagine my surprise the other day when I came home, turned it on and found that someone was remotely accessing it. The PC was immediately turned off and my mate, who deals with computers, contacted.
“Switch it on in ‘Safe Mode,’” he said. “Then run malwarebytes and change your password.”
Yes sir! So I did. It worked and, as far as I know, they haven’t been back since.
My query is this though: what was the point? All they succeeded in doing was pissing me off and finding out how I managed to sign Didier Drogba and Wesley Sneijder for Norwich City FC.
There was no point. It was a malicious attack designed to add my ‘IP’ address to their ‘botnet’ (yeah, like I know what these words mean). Essentially, they were going to use my computer to hack into other computers. Probably my mum’s, which has an awful lot of references to baking and flower shows. Perfect for any wanna-be terrorist.
I know that millions of man hours are spent creating these viruses and that millions of man hours are spent trying to put them right. If the Pyramids used up millions of man hours, think what could be achieved with those spent on computers being put to good use? Think of the lives that could be saved. We could cure cancer, solve Third World hunger, create wealth through advancing our civilisation.
But no, these guys are just content in spending millions of man hours to find out my incisive 4-2-3-1 formation. This is why I have made the decision to throw them into Room 101 so that they can live in a virtual world where there are millions of attractive women who just ignore them.
Did I just say virtual? I don’t think I meant that.
Oh, and Norwich won the Champion’s League, who doesn’t want to play for the winners?