Like a large number of people who live and work on the outskirts of London, I drive everywhere. Ever since I passed my test, my car has been my chariot to unknown and untold wonders (and Manchester). I once knew someone who passed his test and didn’t drive for five years afterwards. I couldn’t have done that at all.
As a result of me driving everywhere, I come into contact with many other drivers (preferably not literally). Most drivers are normal, they’ll stick to the speed limit, brake when they’re supposed to and not get in anyone’s way. I like these motorists, they give me sanity.
Then there are the slower drivers. These are people who have lived the prime of their life, done all the speeding and the hair-raisin hairpins and have decided to lower the average speed of their lives. Significantly. I have nothing wrong with them, but statistically they do cause more accidents. It’s mainly because these are the people who get on a motorway and stay at 60. In the middle lane. On a Bank Holiday. But that’s for another time.
The drivers that frustrate me the most and anger me to the point of turning into The Hulk are those infuriating jap’s eyes who, usually in a big German car, screech up to right behind you and sit on your rear bumper impatiently leaning on the horn. Yeah, like I’m about to get out of your way.
The issue is that these people aren’t late for anything, they just want to get to where they’re going before they left. This means that they don’t like driving, otherwise they’d be a lot more casual. I, however, love driving. And I really enjoy a more relaxed approach to being behind the wheel. This is why I’ve started to slow down when one of these small-minded tosspots gets behind me. Seventeen miles per hour is about when they cotton on to the fact they’re irritating me and back off.
Now they’ve gone slower for the last half mile so what did they gain from doing it? Absolutely nothing. I see it all the time. I had my grandmother in my car the other day and someone got right up behind us. She told me to slam on the brakes. My grandmother said that! Shows you what she thinks of that attitude.
Another thing that annoys me about them is the cars they drive. If you don’t like driving, give me your car! I love the idea of driving around in a big Audi. I just hope that it doesn’t turn me into one of these inhuman faeces.
So I consign tailgaters to Room 101 so that I can stand above them and scream down to those *insert colourful description here* my sister’s favourite phrase to use when they come up behind me, ‘Sorry about your penis!’
Submitted By: James Higgins (Twitter: @obmij1)