As “Gucci, come ‘ere!” reverberated round the park for the second time in 30 seconds, I just had to look up to satisfy my curiosity and share my pity with the poor soul who had inherited one of Britain’s most ridiculous names of the moment. As I did so, it occurred to me that I wasn’t sure whether I was looking for child, a dog or something in between, so interchangeable are these 21st century chavvy monikers. It turned out on this occasion that Gucci wasn’t the fluffy Bichon Frise in the pink stripy ra-ra skirt weeing up a tree but the dark-haired pre-teen in fake Uggs and too much make up, surrounded by a fellow group of pre-teen Savannas, Burberrys and Chanels milling their way around the play area.
Just why do people impose ridiculous names on their children when there are so many perfectly acceptable options to choose from?
Consider the situation in Iceland. They have an official list of 1853 names for girls and even fewer for boys, and a legal requirement that your child’s birth is registered using one of these and no other. This was brought to light in a high-profile legal fight recently by a 15-year-old girl who had never been officially recognised thanks to her parents’ decision to call her Blaer (meaning light breeze in Icelandic), a name that doesn’t feature on the approved list (yes, this is the same list that bans ‘Carolina’ but allows ‘Elvis’).
So do we have a right to free expression? Well, yes. But surely some kind of regulation is preferable to your parents deciding to call you after a piece of fruit, a clothes label or a sexually transmitted disease? The problem with “fashionable” names for babies is that… well… they go out of fashion. Stick with the classics and you can’t go wrong. But just in case you are determined to be different, here’s our pick of the top girls’ names to cause lifelong distress to your offspring:
January, February – in fact any month of the year
Chlamydia, Papilloma or anything that vaguely resembles an STD
Saville, Biggins – just avoid famous names full stop. You never know when their reputation might come crashing down
Palmolive, Timotei – anything resembling shampoo
And what IS it with celebrities? Who’d be the offspring of the rich and famous when it means years of abuse for ridiculous names like these?
Peaches Honeyblossom (Bob Geldof)
Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow)
Diva Muffin (Frank Zappa)
Princess Tiaamii (Katie Price)
Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow)
Twins? No problem. Try these
Gucci and Chanel
Mercedes and Bentley
Alpha and Beta
Hazel and Nutt
Jennifer and Angelina
Now please – let’s stick to the classics and file the silly names firmly away in room 101 for good.